Did anxiety of 2008 kill your libido? Renew your love life in the new year
By Ian Kerner, Ph.D.
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The year 2008 turned out to be a time of worry. From the economy to the election, there was always something to fret about. For many of us tensions at home ran high and our relationships with our significant others were sorely tested. If you found yourself stuck in a sex rut and "suddenly slumping" you're not alone: anxiety is a major libido-killer. But the year ahead promises to be one of renewal and rejuvenation, and I'm personally resolving to live my love life to the fullest. Here are my personal relationship resolutions for a more "fulfilling" 2009:
1. Have more sex
Sounds
obvious, but easier said than done. Even sex therapists get stuck in
ruts and I’m no exception. According to a recent survey conducted by
TODAY in conjunction with iVillage.com more than 30 percent of
responders have been in a sex slump for a few months or more, and many
have been in a slump for a few years. By some estimates, more than 50
million Americans are stuck in a rut! There’s truth to the phrase use
it or lose it, and people who go without sex for extended periods of
time often develop a "dearth of drive" as natural testosterone levels
lower. Sometimes it seems like only yesterday since my wife and I last
had sex, but yesterday can quickly become yester-year, so in the New
Year I’m going to resolve to get it on at least once a week.
2. Pitch in more around the house
This resolution is a little sneaky as it actually ties into #1. Researchers in the Netherlands found that “the key to female arousal seems to be deep relaxation and a lack of anxiety.” In a study in which the brains of men and women were scanned during the process of sexual response using a technique called positron emission tomography (PET), the results showed that the parts of the female brain responsible for processing fear, anxiety and emotion reduce during sexual activity. Says Dr. Gert Holstege “What this means is that deactivation, letting go of all fear and anxiety, might be the most important thing, even necessary, to have an orgasm.” So if helping with the housework helps reduce my wife’s anxiety, then put me in front of a stack of dirty dishes and let me go to town.
3. Hug more frequently
My
wife and I spend lots of time together, but we rarely, if ever, take
the time to stop what we’re doing and just give each other a hug. Yet
all it takes is a 20-second hug to get the “cuddle hormone” oxytocin
flowing in women and facilitate a sense of connection. Men need to be
hugged three times as much as women to get to similar levels, so I’m
actually going to go for a full minute of hugging once a day.
4. Look in my wife’s eyes when I say "I love you”
This
one comes straight from my wife. Could it be a guy-thing?
Anthropologists have long observed that women are "face-to-face"
communicators, while men do so "side-by side." This means that women
are much more comfortable with direct eye contact, whereas men find
direct eye contact extremely confrontational. As Helen Fisher wrote in
her remarkable book, Why We Love, "this response probably stems from
men's ancestry. For many millennia men faced their enemies; they sat or
walked sat by side as they hunted game with their friends." Well long
gone are my days of game hunting, and in 2009 I plan to spend a lot
more time staring into my wife’s eyes.
5. Be more positive
Studies
show that the difference between those relationships that succeed and
those that fail is the ability to have a high ratio of positive to
negative interactions. It's actually believed that the ratio should be
5 to 1: five positive interactions for every negative one. Now
obviously we can't go around counting our interactions, but we can
intuit if we're largely in the positive, or swinging towards the
negative. And in 2009 I want to make sure there’s no doubt as to where
I fall on the spectrum.
6. Cuddle more after sex
In
this respect, I guess I’m a regular guy: after sex men return to the
pre-aroused state, and women return to a semi-aroused state. For guys
it’s a total system shutdown. We just want to crash, whereas women
often want to connect, cuddle, converse and sometimes even have more
sex. And post-orgasm, prolactin levels spike, which also contributes to
a sense of sleepiness. But getting sleepy is no excuse not to cuddle --
especially now that our boys are finally out of the bed.
7. Keep it fresh
After
you’ve had sex with the same person at least a thousand times it’s easy
to fall into a routine. There are two types of sexual arousal — mental
and physical. In the beginning of a relationship, we have no shortage
of sexy thoughts and feelings that turn us on and create a sense of
sexual anticipation, but after a while the mental component can easily
fade and we rely on physical stimulation. We know each other’s bodies
and we know how to get where we’re going, but we don’t know how to
appreciate the journey anymore. That’s when it becomes time to
introduce some new routes and paths to pleasure.
8. Stay healthy
A person’s sexual health
and overall health are intimately connected. Diet, stress, nutrition,
exercise and medication all play a big role in sexual desire. If you,
or your partner, aren’t taking care of your health, your sex life could
quickly go in the dumps. Eat for your heart and you’re eating for your
libido. Don’t just eat to live -- eat to love. Exercise also increases
metabolism, blood flow and the release of endorphins — all of nature’s
natural aphrodisiacs. So in 2009 I’ll be hitting the treadmill.
9. Share a fantasy or two
Sigmund
Freud gave fantasy a bad name back in 1908 when he said, “A happy
person never fantasizes, only a dissatisfied one.” But research shows
that people with active fantasy lives are more sexually satisfied, more
sexually responsive and more adventurous about sex in general. Not bad.
Kaye Wellings, a respected British biologist, puts it best in her book
“First Love, First Sex”: “Fantasies perform a valuable function. Most
of us, most of the time, behave conservatively, sexually and otherwise.
Our erotic experiences represent only the tip of the iceberg in terms
of possibilities. Many possibilities only see the light of day through
fantasies or dreams, seldom as reality.”
10. Unplug
What’s
the point of making all of these resolutions if we don’t actually make
the time to have sex? Sure it’s easier said than done, what with
careers and kids
filling our days and nights; but lately we seem to be winding down on
respective laptops, so in 2009 I’m going to resolve to turn off the
technology, tune in to my wife…and hopefully turn on.
And just in case my wife is reading, here’s a potential sex-resolution to start off her list: throw away the chicken-patterned thermal pajamas.
Ian Kerner is a sex therapist, relationship counselor and New York Times best-selling author of numerous books, including "She Comes First" and the soon-to-be-published "Love in the Time of Colic: the New Parents' Guide to Getting it On Again." He was born and raised in New York City, where he lives with his wife and two sons. He can be reached at www.IanKerner.com
